Yesterday during carpool, I found myself flipping through my phone to entertain myself. A book that I am reading is WORK, y’all . . . and, mama needed a break. So, in my mundane iPhone surfing, I landed on a replay of Chrissy Teigan’s recent interview with Ellen DeGeneres.

First, you should know, I love Chrissy Teigan. She cracks me up, and I would love to be friends with her. If you know her, tell her to call me. Anyway . . . in the interview, she talks a great deal about the loss of her son last Fall. This week was to be his due date, and she discusses her therapy, still coming to terms with the loss, and how sweet Jack saved her in some ways. It was sweet and thoughtful, but having experienced that myself, it was heartbreaking. I have walked in her shoes. I have been that person that, months later, can discuss the experience with only minor tears on the outside but a broken heart on the inside. The grief will subside, but the “what ifs” and pain will always remain in some form or fashion. It may no longer take me to my knees, but there are definitely moments when the memory is stronger and harder than normal.

Now, we are about three and half years out from losing Sophie. And, just over three years from ending our twelve plus year infertility battle. Living in the midst of the heartache is deafening. But looking back, the lessons learned are heavy.

In September of 2018, I wrote a post that was directed to a woman that was just starting her infertility battle. It gave some great advice as to how to maneuver along that path in a way that was not so lonely. The post still stands up, but I have to say that I was less than a year out from losing our final baby. Less than a year out from my 11th pregnancy. And, while the post clearly shows that I had learned some lessons in my journey, my grief was still so raw at times that it was overwhelming.

After I heard Chrissy’s interview, I went back to read that post from two and half years ago. Not too shabby. Perfect for being on the other side of infertility, loss, and grief.

But time has passed. Grief has subsided. Life has continued to go on. And, I feel like maybe it is time to right another letter to that sweet woman. Not necessarily to the woman working through her infertility. But, specifically that woman that is knee-deep in heartache and loss. The me from three and half years ago.

This letter is to 2017 me, but it can be for all of you that are struggling. Struggling with any type of loss, any type of heartache.

“Dear Friend,

First, let me say that I am so very sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking in a way that nothing else has been. Some days it is hard to breathe due to the heaviness in your chest, the grief suffocating you without letting you get your head above water. So many people love you. They may not know what to say or how to help, but let them in. You can’t do this alone.

Second, it will get better. I know that it doesn’t feel that way, but I promise that it does. Time is a healer. One day you will realize that you didn’t spend the day crying, then another day you will realize that you haven’t cried in a week. So on and so forth until you are truly on the other side of grief.

Now, a few years out, I can say that there will still be moments. Rare, but powerful. A memory of your experience that quite literally takes your breath away. One that you have to shake off before you allow yourself to dwell on it and fall down the deep, dark hole. But, overall all . . . three and a half years out is life as usual. It gets better.

It gets so much better that you sometimes may feel guilty that you don’t feel worse. The Beucler Four is what this family was always supposed to look like. Sophie girl is in Heaven at the head of a giant football team that I will get to love on one day. But these two miracle boys are the ones that were supposed to be here.

Grief is hard, strange, and confusing. Find a therapist. Spend time in prayer. Take care of yourself. Let people love on you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And, know that it gets better.

So much love and prayers coming your way.
Shawna”

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Love this sweet community that we have created here at Lunchbox Babies! As always, please share this post with anyone that needs a little help right now. And, if I can pray for you or help you in any way, let me know. I am here.

XO